The Fish Locator/Transcript
WORK IN PROGRESS; NEEDS HUMAN REVIEW [ gunshots ] [ bird squawks ] harold: Live from the depths of the wilderness, where you can't see the forest for the weeds, it's "the red green show," starring the man the indians call "the old guy who drives that ugly van on tv that we see." the greatest living woodsman since davy crockett -- and he's been buried now, so there you go on that one. Ladies and gentlemen, your friend and my uncle, the star of "the red green show," here he is now, ladies and gentlemen, the mr. Red green guy! Thank you, harold. Thank you, and welcome to possum lodge. I'm red green, the -- the head of the lodge. It's a job that I don't take lightly but should. Uh, harold is not only my nephew. He's also my producer and director. And that means I can do stuff like this. [ keyboard clacking ] ta-da! [ laughs ] he's not much of a nephew, either. Anyway, I had an interesting week up at the lodge. The guys decided to take up bird-watching, which we always used to think was kind of a sissy thing to do. But then they found out that bird watchers carry wineskins, and they don't get accidentally shot, so it sounded pretty good. Plus, the guys figured they could do it sitting on the couch by the big picture window, and any sport that happens close to the fridge is real popular at possum lodge. Wow, that's great. How many different birds have they seen? Well, as of this morning, 279. Stinky wanted to be able to, you know, count the eggs in the omelet this morning, but old man sedgwick said no. It was too hard to look at. 200? Wow! That's amazing! Woo-hoo! You know, it takes bird watchers years to see that many, and they saw them just in a few days. Wow! That's incredible to see that many different species. How do you mean, "different species"? Well, you know, different -- not the same. You know, like yellow-breasted so-and-sos and red-throated doohickeys. I don't know about that, harold. Like, they saw 47 birds at once when a flock of sea gulls went through last night's garbage. Oh, no, uncle red, you don't count the individual birds. You count the individual species. Oh. Oh, well, then they haven't seen 279 birds. They've seen, uh... Three. Boy, they're gonna be kind of upset. They may drop bird-watching when they find out about this. What about sucking back on wineskins? Is that a sport, like an armchair athlete would do? Well, yeah. Well, like wine tasting. Maybe. Yeah. But you can't just, like, slosh it down. You got to, like, sniff the bouquet, enjoy the color, study it, if you will. Sniff the cork. Take a little swill of wine into your mouth, rinse it around, and then just spit it out. Oh, you spit it out? Well, now, that's a food fight. That's got to be a sport. Well... Yeah, okay, yeah, yeah. Yeah. [ keyboard clacking ] [ chain saw buzzing ] wha-hoo! Whoa! Excellent! Dwayne and murray arrived yet? No, no sign of them anywhere, doc, sorry. Oh, bill, this is great! My backside's tingling like your hands do when you hit them on cement with a baseball bat! Oh! [ laughing ] oh, you got to try this, doc! Whoo! So, what's up? I ordered a new fish locator through murray's store. A fish locator? Oh, yeah! That sort of takes the sport out of it. Man, I hope so! It uses kind of a sonar, like I used to have when I was in the navy. [ chain saw buzzing loudly ] that's kind of noisy! Could you do it outside? Take it outside and do that. Woo-oo-oo! I didn't know you were in the navy, doc. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. A medical officer on the first solar-powered submarine. Very hush-hush, the whole thing, oh, yeah. Yeah, it was the world's first environmentally friendly sub, harold. Mm-hmm. None of your nuclear power for us. No, sir. Just a sun-powered sub carrying 20 icbms. That's amazing. You looked me right in the eye when you said that. Of course, when we submerged -- oh, there it is, harold. Oh, come to papa! B-b-b-be careful with that. Come on. We haven't gotten paid for that yet. All right. Good. Okay. I want you to go get that battery from out of the truck. Look out, trout. The doctor is in. Whoa-oa-oa-oa. Whoa, whoa, whoa. I think a little money needs to change hands right now. Oh, hey, relax, murray. I'll pay you back out of the fish I catch. You said it'd pay for itself, murray. Well, I did say that. I think it'll pay for itself to you. I'm not that lucky. I need that money up front. Murray, how am I gonna catch fish without a fish locator? How do you normally catch fish? He normally doesn't. [ laughs ] I'll -- I'll be outside if anybody's looking for me. I got the battery out of the truck. Oh, not that battery! The little rechargeable battery in the shiny new box on the front seat! Oh. "oh"! Well, now, come on. Don't go taking that thing back, murray. You're never gonna sell it. And who's gonna want to buy it, huh? So, why don't you just let me use it until I earn the money to pay for it? Hey, doc, your fish locator come there? Came and -- came and went, came and went. Hey, uh, red, can I borrow $300? Sure. Not from me, though. Okay. Who'd like an hors d'oeuvre? Fresh, piping hot from the oven. Cheese dreams. Those are cheese nightmares, eddie. Bill, how about a cheese dream? Murray? Oh, no, thanks, eddie. I'm driving. Doc, can I tempt you? If I ate one, would you give me $300? Well... Say yes. He'll never live to collect it. Got 'em. Oh! Ah! Dwayne, care for a snack? Sure. Say, ed, remember you and I were talking about me getting you a good supply of fresh fish, how you'd be willing to pay handsomely for said supply? Well -- I was wondering if I could get an advance on that? Well, I mean, I-I really could use some atlantic salmon or -- or some pacific lobster meat. Oh, my soul, I could make a salmon pâté. Well, I was thinking more of fish out of the lake. Possum lake? You mean those scrabby little bass and sunfish? [ laughs ] I mean, they are so full of chemicals, if you dried them off, you could throw them in the fire and use them for artificial logs. These are great tuna puffs. Cheese dreams! [ retches ] oh, funny. Very funny. W-wait a second. Wait, hold on, hold on. Red. Red, the lodge could use a fish locator, huh? Huh? I'm sure we got an extra 300 bucks floating on the kitty somewhere. Well, we would have if you paid your dues. Anyway, that's between you and murray. You can have your fish locator as soon as you find your money locator, all right? I need that thing, murray. Hey, hey, hey! Hey, hey, lovely to look at, pretty to hold. You break this thing, and it's sold...To you. [ door closes ] you promised to buy my fish. You promised to eat a cheese dream. [ guitar playing, beating ] ♪ of all the smells that are known to man ♪ ♪ there's nothing like home cooking ♪ ♪ that can do things that nothing else can ♪ ♪ the smell of home cooking can get you out of bed ♪ ♪ the smell of home cooking ♪ ♪ can raise you from the half dead ♪ ♪ I remember one day our house burned down ♪ ♪ down! ♪ ♪ and you could smell our home cooking ♪ ♪ all the way to town ♪ [ guitar strumming ] hey! This week on "handyman corner," uh, I'm gonna show you how to check your transmission. Uh, I got this engine out of my vehicle here, uh, when I took her out to do an oil change, and luckily enough, the transmission come with it, so we can take advantage of that. Now... [ clears throat ] the first step here to get the tranny off -- call it a tranny -- uh, is to loosen the bolts. [ engine dings ] all right. Now... I believe the tranny is down here at this end. Yeah, yeah, here we go. Okay, now, these are, uh... These are a 9/16 bolt, but this is only a 1/2-inch wrench, but I think we can make it work. Okay, okay, okay, okay, okay. Whoa, whoa. Now, it would -- it does help if you got somebody to kind of steady the motor on you. Oh, wait a minute. The other end of this is 9/16. Okay, okay, okay. Hold her steady. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Okay, now, I wasn't exactly sure which bolts held the transmission on, so I just pretty well undid, uh, everything I could find. Now, just kind of pry this out of here. She's coming. She's coming. I got her here. And then you just... Okay. Great. Okay. All right. [ grunting ] all righty. Let's get this off, and then... Okay. Let's see what we got here. Okay. We got a... That seems all right. And I have one of these. This. This here. This doesn't look -- no, no, I guess that's okay, yeah. And these. And this and this. Yeah, yeah, oh, yeah. And this, see? Yep. Yep. Well, uh...It looks okay, so I would say if you take your transmission apart and, uh, take a look at this and then take a look at yours, and whatever doesn't look like this, make yours look like this, and then you'll be okay. So, until next time, if the women don't find you handsome, they should at least find you handy. [ sniffs, clears throat ] does anybody know if this is the transmission? [ wind howling ] "it is winter. "it's only half over, "and you've gone through almost all of your firewood all because your wife won't wear wool socks." man! Bad enough I got the bank, the government, and my in-laws bugging me for money. Now I got doc render hitting me up for a loan. You know, uncle red, I'd be happy to give doc the money, but all you have to do is just give me a raise. Or what about this, harold? What don't I give you a cut in pay? And then doc can lend you money. Or even this -- we'll just keep things status quo-ish, the way they're working now, and I could work with that. Yeah, well, I thought you might be able to, harold. Anyway, doc is just hitting up absolutely everybody. Old man sedgwick said he couldn't partake because he's got his money tied up in pork futures, which basically means he's bought bacon for tomorrow's breakfast. And stinky put all his money in one of his old socks, but doc said he'd even take that as long as stinky washed it first. But stinky said no -- didn't want to give him laundered money. That's disgusting. A fish locator? Where's our priorities, uncle red? Where's your priorities? Mine? Well, they're not important. Are we making educational tools for our children? I think not, sir, no. Rather, we're making these silly, flashy gadgets that we don't even need. We're wasting our technological advances. We could be saving lives! Yeah, yeah, yeah, harold. Get on with the show, will you? Yeah, okay. You got to see this one. This is so cool. I just discovered it. [ keyboard clacking ] cool? What? Huh? Cool? Oh, yeah, yeah, that machine is a real lifesaver. Uh, eddie, you got a minute there? Oh, I don't know, red. I'm awful busy. I've got to get a snack ready for the bird watchers. Red: What is that -- black pudding or licorice pancakes? Toast. Little on the burnt side, isn't it, ed? Got a favor to ask me? No, no, no. Actually, I was wondering about this deal you got with doc to pay for his fish locator. No. I don't think doc can catch anything other than suckers. You know what I mean? [ laughs ] don't worry about that. No, the deal's off. We couldn't come to an agreement. Oh. Isn't that funny? Hmm. That timer's not turned on. You know that, eh? Oh. Well, yeah. [ gasps ] my cake! Oh, my cake! Ow! Ow! Aah! Aah! Aah! Well... A little bit of icing and nobody will notice. Yeah, well, it goes good with the toast now, anyway. The toast? [ gasps ] my toast! [ electricity crackling ] [ chuckles ] a little butter and nobody will notice. I guess not, no. You know, I must've lost my concentration while I was poking little holes in the bratwurst sausage. I missed that, ed. Well, you were standing right there, red. You see, you have to poke holes in a bratwurst sausage. Otherwise they'll explode. Everybody knows that. Mm, I don't think you did it, ed. I poked holes in the sausage. Aah! Uh, little ketchup and, uh, nobody will notice. Red: Bill told me to meet him behind the lodge there. He's gonna show me how to camouflage himself. I don't know. Oh. By golly, he's pretty good at it. So, that's what we're going to do on this week's "adventures with bill." I was looking at the tree he used, and there was an apple in there. Kind of an adam and eve kind of relationship we had at that moment. [ crunching ] good apple, though. And I brought in these cans of spray paint, and he had the white coveralls on. And mine -- the lid was kind of stuck on mine. [ pop! ] there we go. Now, what he does is just kind of spray-paints random patterns all over his coveralls. He asked me to do the back. I'm only too happy to help out on these, hoping it'll mean they'll end sooner. But he had, I guess, two colors, and then we switched colors around. You can't really tell that in the black-and-white, but those are different colors. And I was done and he was done, and there he was. I did a little different style on mine. I like it. Now we're gonna make some -- camouflage our hats so you can't see our heads. He's got a hat something like mine, but, of course, not exactly the same as my lucky hat. But he winds some branches around there, and I thought I did kind of a nice job on mine. And bill's, well... You'd know it was bill's. And now we're ready to go out through the long grass, and you're gonna see how difficult it is to spot a person moving like that. Bill is a little easier. And, now, this is something I had never experienced before. You just put a mirror into the tall grass, and then what you do is you angle it in such a way that you crouch down behind it, and a passing animal or what have you -- say, a truant officer or whatever -- can't tell the reflection from the real thing, so it just looks like there's nothing there. And honestly, I couldn't believe that. Even as close as I was, that just looked like normal grass and so on and everything. And, of course, I knew bill was just behind the mirror. It just was fantastic, you know? Um... Well, now.. No, he's not in the mirror. I just need to check his -- I don't know where bill went. Bill? Bill? Bill? B-- oh, there he is. [ thunk ] ohh! Well, there's been some interesting changes of events here. The bird watchers' club has officially changed its charter over to become a wine spitters' club, which, it was funny the first 200 to 300 times, but then it kind of wore a little thin. And by then, the couch was so drenched with wine, you could pass out just from the fumes. The guys may go back to bird-watching. Excuse me. Uncle red? Did you hear how doc render is gonna raise the money, the $300 that he needs? He's having a lottery. Wa-a-a! Tickets are a buck each. I bought 10. And first prize is a quarter of a million dollars. That's a lot of money. You know how many video games I could buy with that? Well, harold, I don't like to sound negative, but that sounds like a major crock to me. Well, I don't happen to think so. They'll be drawing the winning ticket tonight at the lodge meeting, and I feel lucky. You don't look lucky, harold. [ screeching ] okay. That's it. That's the sound of the possum. The meeting is coming to order. Whoo! Just think of it, uncle red. Soon I can go from being a normal, average guy to being a quarter-of-a-millionaire. Woo-oo-oo! I'm guessing he'll still be a quarter of an average guy. I don't know if doc can pull this thing off, but if he does, I think we should give him the national deficit. [ screeching ] [ screeching continues ] [ indistinct conversations ] keep it down back there. Don't throw stuff! All right, that's not funny. All right. Seriously. Don't. All rise. We're starting the meeting. We're starting the meeting, bird people. All: Quando omni flunkus, moritati. [ whooping ] whoa! Hey! Easy! Sit down. Cool it. On the chairs! You can sure tell the wine-tasting club hasn't eaten all day. Hey! Come on! Come on! You guys are nuts! That was good. That was good. That was okay. That was a good one. That was a good one. But the other one -- oh, shut up, harold. The floor recognizes doc render. Thank you, red, thank you. Thank you, fellas. Now, would anybody else like to buy a lottery ticket? Now, remember, your chances of winning are 1 in 150. I never win anything. I bought 10. Wa-a-a! Would anybody else want to buy one? Just anybody else? I'll take one. Save your money, dwayne. It's a scam. Scam? A scam. It is not a scam. All right, now. Red, why don't you go ahead and draw the lucky number? All right. Keep it down back there. Keep it in the family, uncle red. All right. Here's our lucky winner. Listen up. Number 102! 102! 102! 102! 102! I got it! That's me! I got it! [ jeering ] oh, you're just jealous! [ laughs ] I have 102! This is so great. You know what I'm gonna do? I'm gonna buy, like, my own show. I don't even need you guys anymore. I got my own show. Wa-a-a-a-a! I'm gonna buy a house on a hill and a boat with a cd player and a jeep. This is so great. Uncle red, 102. Wa-a-a! Uncle red, take this job and shove it. [ laughs ] whoo! 102, 102. Well, now, here you go, harold. [ laughs ] here we are. [ camera shutter clicks ] look at the size of that check. That's huge. Look at this. $1! [ laughs ] $1? $1. That's $1. I'm supposed to be a quarter-of-a-millionaire. That's -- that's like $249,999 short, doc. Oh, no, no, no, no. Harold, harold, first prize in the lottery was $1 a month for a quarter of a million months. [ laughter ] no, that's not right. Didn't you read the fine print there? No! It's there. Well, that is brilliant. Good for you, doc. Dwayne, how come we didn't think of that? So I'm not, like, rich? No, you're not, harold. You're not a quarter-of-a-millionaire. You're a dollar-aire, and one who's just shoved his job, right, guys? [ laughs ] well, now, murray, here you go. There's 160 bucks -- just over half of what I owe you. Great. Dwayne, saw the fish locator in half and give it to him. Come on, murray! Well, read my lips, doc. I said $300. Wait a minute, wait, I got an idea. Guys, settle down, there. You wine tasters, why don't you go back to bird-watching, huh? [ all shouting ] no, listen, listen, listen. Maybe you combine the two. What you do is you guys buy the other half of the fish locator, and when doc here is not fishing -- huh? -- You can strap the locator to the roof of the lodge and use it to spot birds. Yeah! A flock finder. Are you guys up for that? [ cheering ] all right. Sold to the guy with 50 drunken friends. Thanks, fellas. All right. If there's no other lodge business... Forget it! I call on dwayne to give us the evening's entertainment. Hey! Settle down. Watch the man. [ clears throat ] fellow possums, romans, countrymens, lend me your ears. Let him speak. I know that we're not holding elections for the leadership of the lodge, but consider this. If elected, I promise to put a chicken in every pox. Pot. Pop? Pot. Pot. Well, I guess that's the first time we've ever had a happy ending for this show. And it's not actually like the happy ending in other shows, where everybody learns something and they have a hug. Speaking of which, if my wife is watching, I'll be coming straight home after the meeting, and I actually have learned something, and I got just the hug to prove it. So, until next time, on behalf of myself and harold and the whole gang up here at possum lodge, keep your stick on the ice. if I am elected, I promise to get my mom to drive you guys everywhere. She's really good. She's got a neat car. I also promise to hold my breath every two years. What are you doing? I'm making election promises. Are we having an election here?